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30-Aug-2017 06:14

A pastor’s daughter, my upbringing included the strict moral code of “no sex before marriage.” This code was promptly discarded in my teenage years, when I learned, all too painfully, why my parents had tried to protect me from being prematurely thrust into the turmoil of physical intimacy.In my late twenties, my live-in boyfriend dumped me and kicked me out of his apartment.

We agreed to meet again a few nights later, and took a walk around his neighborhood in Washington Heights. I hardly lived up to my claims of virtue, never admitting to cheating on my college boyfriend, or having an affair with a married man in my early twenties, or frequently refusing to give people change in the subway.

Patrick’s profile might have read “Married lonely guy looking for someone to talk to.” I doubt I would have liked him as much if I’d never gotten the opportunity to listen to him open up and tell the truth.

We hugged before we parted, and I didn’t hear anything from him again until the following Easter, almost a year later.

He was handsome, wore glasses, was going slightly gray, and edged a little on the nerdy side: perfect.

I was a 33-year-old Lutheran deacon-in-training trying to convince myself I didn’t want to have sex with him, even though I did.

I sounded as if I were reading off the menu from Le Pain Quotidian, but he humored me with applause. I imagined a sun-bronzed goddess in an off-the-shoulder peasant blouse. “It’s been a year,” he said, and steered me with his hand to a bench, brushing away dead leaves. “Oh, that.” He played with the ring, turning it on his finger. I asked myself, “What blouse do you wear to an awkward conversation? “At our apartment.” He admitted that he was still legally married.



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